


cocktail conversations

by kerrykins



Series: author's favs [3]
Category: Big Little Lies (TV)
Genre: Drinking & Talking, F/F, Femslash, fiction&femslashevent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-29 08:33:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19826431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kerrykins/pseuds/kerrykins
Summary: Madeline and Renata enjoy a nice day at the beach together, along with a variety of cocktails.





	cocktail conversations

**Author's Note:**

> oh gosh so many ppl to thank
> 
> thank you to elle for being my friend, thank you to ketty for reading over it and being SO supportive (ily)!! and last but not least, a thank u to the patricia c/laura dern stans who just rly make me laugh and inspired me to start this fic! I LOVE U ALL SM <33

Madeline drove along the winding roads with all her SUV’s windows rolled down. The lazy yellow light of the sun played across the bay, enveloping the seaside in a delicate blanket of warmth. It brought out jewel and aquamarine tones in the sea that would otherwise be indiscernible, transforming Monterey into something straight out of a fairytale. Madeline couldn’t help but feel the heaviness she always carried in her chest subside a little, apparently not immune to the charms of summer and all the sweet promises it carried in the wind. Chloe’s newest Spotify playlist hummed a lazy tune she didn’t know, the languid notes of a guitar and carefree beats of a drum ebbing in and out like waves.

The last two years had been too loud and too messy for Madeline’s liking. She had let go of the perfect life she’d once been so desperate for before Trivia Night, but had yet to properly wrangle and compartmentalise the ever-present ache in her chest. She still wanted life to be perfect. Madeline had four beautiful friends but like her they were broken. They had come so far and though their collective friendship was in a constant state of disarray, they fit together so well— like puzzle pieces clicking together, like they were made for each other. So maybe they were perfect after all, just not in the traditional sense.

Renata was waiting for her at the beach when she pulled into the parking lot. Her sandals dangled from her fingers, hair glowing gold and falling down her shoulders. At the sight of Madeline, she smiled and waved. Madeline marvelled at how many different smiles Renata was capable of— the cautious, polite ones; the shark-like grins reserved for people she despised; the subtle, amused tug at her lips; Madeline’s favourite was the unrestrained one that made Renata’s face fold at the eyes and mouth. She’d been on the receiving end of every single one of said smiles. She knew what she was talking about.

“Madeline, I’m so glad you could make it.” Renata’s voice was high and excited, giving away the sincerity behind her statement. She took Madeline’s hand in hers, squeezing it briefly before letting go. Her diamond rings caught the light, though Madeline noted the absence of Renata’s wedding band.

“So am I, this week has been hell,” Madeline remarked. “Bonnie texted me pictures of everyone and they look like they’re having a great time.” Bonnie and Nathan had taken Chloe, Amabella, and Skye all up to San Francisco to visit Pier 39. Madeline had opted out because it was too cold there and the stench of saltwater made her nauseous. Renata likely had the same reasons for not being in attendance, plus a myriad of emails to answer.

Renata’s expression brightened impossibly at that. “Oh, could you send me those? And feel free to sit down, I’m just going to get a drink. I brought rosé and a couple cosmos. Want one?”

Madeline enthusiastically said yes and soon both of them were settled on the beach towel with pink drinks in hand.

They were alone on the beach, which was odd considering how lovely the weather was. Madeline wasn’t complaining though. It was better this way, just her and Renata. They were both drinking a lot but neither of them cared. Alcohol allowed conversation to flow more easily, lessening the rigidity of their posture and tension set into their shoulders. The tumultuous past two years melted away like that, their past rivalry and squabbles forgotten.

Information and insecurities kept spilling out, each woman surprised with the other’s transparency, but still readily offering a little bit of themselves in return. It was a game of give and take— for every detail Madeline gave about Chloe, Renata would tell her something about Amabella. For every complaint of Gordon came one about Ed. There were no awkward pauses in between, an unspoken ‘your turn now’ as soon as the other went quiet.

The brilliant blue of daylight eventually faded to the more subdued violets of twilight, and it took awhile for Madeline to register how much time had passed.

“Oh, crap. I don’t think I can drive after all those amazing cocktails,” Madeline said, only half-joking. She tried to climb to her feet, which proved to be a rather arduous task in heels.

“Babe, sit back down.” Renata’s hand made its way on her back, coaxing her back onto the towel. “I can’t have you hurting yourself on my watch.”

Madeline reluctantly complied. She didn’t like being told what to do, but she certainly didn’t want to twist her ankle again.

“Let’s stay a little while longer, please.” Renata leaned her head on top of Madeline’s. She smelled like peppermint, wine, and the sea Madeline so despised. It shouldn’t be this pleasant, nor instill such a sense of security in Madeline. A cool gust of summer wind swooped down onto the shore and Madeline couldn’t help but shiver, pressing herself against Renata. 

Without a word, Renata draped her coat around Madeline, which was heavy and expensive. Any desire to go home dissipated immediately, as well as the chill in her bones.

A silence passed, as comfortable and easy as the coat they shared. Renata was the one to break it. “I wasn’t the one that filed for divorce, you know.” Her voice cut through the crashing of waves and cries of distant gulls, crisp and cold as the night air.

Madeline froze. That was news to her. She’d naturally jumped to the conclusion that it had been Renata’s decision. Everyone had.

“I know I’m a bitch. I know people hate me.” Renata’s voice broke, and a sliver of Madeline’s heart along with it. “I work all the time, it’s no wonder Gordon fucking cheated on me. Amabella had a panic attack, last year. You heard about that? It was my fault. I hurt my beautiful baby girl, worse than any bully could.”

“Honey, you don’t have control over things like that,” Madeline insisted, indignation already rising in her. 

“I did!” Renata snapped, whirling onto Madeline. Her eyes flashed dangerously, helplessly. “I could have called a child psychiatrist sooner. I could have stopped yelling. I could have tried to be a better person. I had so much to offer her but I blew it, Madeline. Now, I have nothing to give but apparently so much to lose.” She laughed mirthlessly. “I’m a fucking failure. I’m pathetic.”

Despite their history, Madeline thought Renata was one of the strongest people she knew. She’d never met anyone willing to go toe-to-toe with her quite as eagerly as Renata, just as fiercely determined to come out on top as Madeline. That was part of the reason why she had despised Renata so. She was just so perfect. Beautiful, smart, successful, and to top it all off, a great arch-nemesis. It wasn’t until recently had Madeline been able to get to know the real Renata. Under designer clothes and that fiery temper, she was still smart and still beautiful— but there lay a kind of anguish that was every bit as intense as the woman it possessed.

“I just feel so fucking alone,” Renata whimpered, drawing herself into a small ball. “I don’t like it. Sometimes I wonder what dying is like, and if it’s anything better than this.” She closed her eyes tightly, as if trying to shut out the world, as if trying to disappear.

Madeline was far from being an empathetic person and knew it, but she oddly understood Renata’s pain. Madeline had dedicated her entire life to Abigail after Nathan left them, committing career suicide to become a stay-at-home mom. It was out of one part spite, another part love. She never would have thought that someday, Abigail would choose her deadbeat dad over her— Madeline had done everything right yet it all managed to go to shit. Nothing she worked for had paid off.

Madeline knew what it was like to be alone, better than anyone else did. She had to protect Renata from that.

“It’s funny, isn’t it? No matter how much it hurts, you still can’t hate your kids,” mused Madeline. “I tried so hard to hate Abigail, to make it hurt a little less, but it didn’t work. Nothing did.” 

“Great, I’m  _ really _ looking forward to that.”

“No, it fucking sucks,” Madeline said furiously, making Renata jump a little. “You just feel so lost, because you don’t know what to do with yourself. If I can’t hate Abigail, I miss her constantly.”

Flames licked at the sand, illuminating the faces of both women in velvety orange light. Renata was softer here, features less severe, expression more serene. Her hair looked a fright, blonde locks flying in every direction imaginable. Madeline assumed she was no better off herself. Renata was a beautiful woman, even now, which Madeline found immensely unfair. With no beverages to close the deafening chasm of silence between them, it was tense again.

Renata’s eyes kept flickering to her and Madeline noticed for the first time that the fierce air to her was really one of profound fear. Of what was the question— Renata had a great deal to be scared of. It was as though Renata carried the weight of the world on her elegant shoulders. She sat rigidly, immovable and inaccessible. Madeline knew she was partly to blame for that. The Lie. Her continued belligerence towards Renata in the first grade. Not knowing when to leave things alone.

“Don’t do that.” Renata’s voice was reprimanding but not sharp. “I know you’re blaming yourself again. It’s what we all do, it’s what I do, it’s normal. We just think we’re responsible for all the world’s problems when in reality, that’s just the way things are. The sooner you say ‘fuck you’ to your conscience, the better. Helps me sleep at night better than NyQuil ever could.”

Madeline bit her lip.

“You can disagree with me, you’re entitled to that. But the truth is not everything is your fault. You know, I read in an article that women often feel responsible for shit that they had nothing to with. Something to do with an inferiority complex men have been shoving down our throats since fucking Adam and Eve— does that make any sense?”

It sort of did. It sort of didn’t. Madeline was very, very drunk and couldn’t tell the difference. “Yeah,” she said, uncertain. 

Renata plucked a lighter from her pocket and raised it to the cigarette dangling from her lips. A blue spark flew from its end. “Cool. Want one?”

Madeline declined. The last time she smoked was when Mary Louise had shown up at her house for Halloween and she doubted this time would be any more enjoyable.

Both drained of conversation and growing quite drowsy, they sat in silence and looked out towards the sea. The sea glimmered darkly, reflecting the stars above and blurring the lines between water and sky.

Madeline eased back into the soft sand, propping her head up with an arm. “Are the waves higher or lower at night?”

“How would I know?” Renata answered between puffs of her cigarette. “I’m not fucking Wikipedia.” Madeline just shrugged.

After that, a pattern was established. After every couple minutes or so of silence, someone would get a small conversation started again before it faded back into nothing, like the mist settling in over the water.

“You know, I haven’t smoked this much since the 80s,” Renata remarked. “I have asthma, which is why I don’t run with you guys.”

“Oh honey,” Madeline laughed, tossing her head back. “It’s mostly speed-walking and gossip. Then we get back those lost calories by going to Blue’s Blues afterwards. Bonnie doesn’t like to come either, she said cardio’s too hard on the joints.” She couldn’t help but say that last part a little mockingly, because it was just so funny.

“After all that running she did last year?” A snort and eyeroll accompanied Renata’s reply. “Please.”

“Tell me about it. Maybe you could join us next week, Wednesday? Gives people a good excuse to leave you alone.” Madeline tried not to sound too eager. The truth was, she was dying for Renata to say yes.

“Huh. I just might take you up on that then.”

“We need to hang out more,” Madeline declared, tucking her hair behind an ear. “You have no idea how happy I was that you asked me here today.” She was being truthful. It wasn’t until recently had she realised how similar they were— it had taken the combined efforts of Celeste and Jane to convince her one tipsy evening at Jane’s apartment.

Celeste had said that they had similar interests. Jane clarified that what Celeste meant was that they both had a nose for gossip. All three of them laughed at that, but Madeline hadn’t let that conversation go. It stuck to the back of her mind like superglue, an insistent voice that told her to give Renata a chance. She thought back to their feuds of earlier days and found that they had always been something she’d genuinely enjoyed. And based off how they went down, Renata liked them too-- maybe their supposed hatred for each other had been something else. Ed had always made fun of Madeline whenever Renata became a topic of discussion, asking if she loved Renata more than him, and if they were dating yet. Madeline dismissed it all huffily, sometimes speeding out of the room with her nose in the air. Ed would laugh at her silently as she went.

Madeline delicately intertwined her hand with Renata’s, caressing the other woman’s palm and tracing down its lifeline with a thumb. Her hands were around the same size as Renata’s, which she found surprising given the disparity in their heights. Their hands locked together, and Madeline was shocked by how amazing it felt. Maybe this was why she had been so reluctant to reach out to Renata. Maybe it was this sense of inevitability, that something irreversible would happen between the both of them should they come together.

Renata’s fingers gripped hers tightly, as if afraid of her letting go. Her gaze remained intent and unwavering, transfixed on something beyond Madeline’s sight. Madeline studied her face in profile, following the slope of her nose and jawline. Renata was achingly beautiful, a fact that she had always been aware of and perhaps a bit jealous of. There was no envy now. Just pure, simple appreciation.

Renata finally turned her head to look at Madeline, her sapphire-blue eyes dark in the night. Then it was like they both had the same idea at the same time, their faces meeting in what couldn’t be called anything other than a kiss. Madeline tilted her head out of the way of Renata’s nose, so that their faces fit perfectly.

Renata tasted of vodka and strawberries and smoke. Her mouth was soft at first, nervous and unsteady. When she realised Madeline wasn’t going to pull away, she relaxed and brought a hand up to brush Madeline’s hair out of her face and behind an ear.

There was a vague tug at Madeline’s mind, one that told her this was a stupid idea for a multitude of reasons, but she didn’t care. After all, how could something that felt so good be bad for her?

They broke away for not even a moment, a blink of the eye, before diving back in. Madeline pressed herself against Renata, who held her steadfastly as they kissed and kissed for what seemed like seconds but also years. It was perfect and it was everything Madeline had spent her entire life waiting for. No promises were made— no vows, no promises of love, no contracts drawn up. It was just a kiss, one they needed and wanted and were sharing.

It was the best possible conclusion to this ugly chapter of their lives, and the best possible start to a new one ripe with possibilities.


End file.
